World News

Make Heaven Great Again: What If Trump Ran the Afterlife

Trump didn’t like the old heaven. Too white, too humble. He wanted more sparkle. So now the clouds are gilded.

Let’s say you die. You wake up in the clouds. There’s a blinding glow, soft harp music, maybe a few cherubs flying around. But then, out of the mist, a golden escalator appears. At the top? Donald J. Trump, robe tailored, halo glowing like a tanning bed.

Welcome to Trump’s Heaven.

No, it’s not the Second Coming. It’s a rebrand.

The Pearly Gates Are Now Members-Only

Peter’s out. He was too forgiving. Now Ivanka handles the gate. The criteria are simple:

  • Did you vote Republican?
  • Did you ever kneel during the national anthem?
  • Did you follow Trump on Truth Social?

If you pass, you enter Paradise Plus. If not, you get redirected. Heaven has a new wall now, and it’s huge. Built by the best angels. Some say it’s better than the one at the border.

Heaven Looks Suspiciously Like Mar-a-Lago

Trump didn’t like the old heaven. Too white, too humble. He wanted more sparkle. So now the clouds are gilded. Golf carts fly. Cherubs wear MAGA hats. There’s a Trump Tower every 300 yards and a steakhouse on every cloud.

The throne of God? Upgraded to a golden executive chair. Reclines. Swivels. Embossed with the Trump family crest (yes, there is one now).

The New Ten Commandments

The originals were scrapped. Too wordy. Not enough brand power. The new ones are short, loud, and 100% Trump.

  1. Always believe I won 2020.
  2. Don’t take my name in vain unless it’s in a campaign slogan.
  3. Keep the Sabbath, but make it a rally day.
  4. Honor Ivanka and me. Forget the rest.
  5. Thou shalt not trust the media.
  6. Only I decide who gets eternal life.
  7. Make everything great again. Especially clouds.
  8. Don’t bear false witness—unless it’s for ratings.
  9. Covet whatever you want. It’s capitalism.
  10. Tithe to the campaign fund, not the church.

Sunday Service Is Now a Rally

Gone are the old hymns. Now, choirs belt out God Bless America on loop, with a guitar solo by Ted Nugent. The altar? LED-lit. Communion is a well-done steak and a Diet Coke.

Sermons are broadcast across the universe with ticker crawls. Most of them are Trump reading from Art of the Deal and calling out “fake souls” who didn’t clap enough last week.

Jesus still shows up, but he’s been asked to “keep it more prosperity gospel.” He’s reportedly “figuring it out.”

The Judgment Day Format Has Changed

Forget scales and scrolls. The afterlife is now a reality show. Every soul walks into a studio and faces a tribunal: Trump, Tucker Carlson, and Kid Rock. If you lived a good life, donated to the right causes, and never questioned a tax return—you’re in.

If you wore a mask during COVID? Purgatory.

If you tweeted anything critical after 2016? Hell.

Hell, by the way, has been rebranded as “Fake Heaven.” CNN anchors report from there. It’s humid, but the Wi-Fi is strong.

Who’s on the Heavenly Cabinet?

Running eternity isn’t easy. Trump appointed the best of the best (his words).

  • Secretary of Defense: Michael Flynn
  • Propaganda & Worship: Kanye West
  • Foreign Affairs: Elon Musk (he’s already building a Heaven on Mars)
  • Attorney General of Afterlife: Rudy Giuliani

The Holy Trinity has been temporarily replaced by a family board: Trump Sr., Trump Jr., and Ivanka. Barron is in training.

Divine Twitter

There is no silence in heaven. Just a 24/7 divine feed of Trump’s thoughts.

Peter was weak. Sad!
Jesus gets the optics, but I get the numbers. Bigly!
Heaven wasn’t great before me. FACTS.

The scroll is eternal, and if you don’t engage with three posts a day, your cloud privileges get suspended.

Not Everyone’s Happy

There’s a quiet corner in heaven. No cameras. No press briefings. That’s where the rebels live: MLK Jr, and surprisingly, Lincoln.

They call themselves “The Other Side of Heaven.” They hold meetings. They plant trees. They miss when eternity wasn’t televised.

Occasionally, they’re raided by Angel ICE (Immigration, Cloud Enforcement) who accuse them of being “spiritually woke.”

A Bible Sequel Is in Progress

Trump’s working on a new holy book. It’s called The Trump Testament. Early chapters include:

  • Why God Should Have Hired Me
  • Why Grace Is Overrated
  • How to Win at Eternity
  • The Resurrection, But With Better Ratings

He’s thinking of making it a subscription model. All profits go to his Eternal Re-election Campaign—which, to be clear, is ongoing.

So, Is Heaven Great Again?

That depends who you ask.

If you liked the rallies, the branding, the dominance of Fox News in every realm—yes, heaven is absolutely great again.
If you were expecting peace, reflection, and divine justice… it’s a little different now.

Trump’s Heaven is loud, dramatic, gold-plated, and always one press release away from something new. It’s never boring. But is it holy?

That’s the question left echoing in the clouds.

Read More: Is China Preparing for an Attack on Taiwan? U.S. deployed F-15EX ‘Eagle II’ fighter jets

Watch India Pakistan Breaking News on The Ink Post. Get Latest UpdatesLatest News on Movies, Breaking News On India, World, Explainers.

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram and LinkedIn and Twitter to Stay updated!

Author

  • Kunal Verma

    Kunal Verma is the founder and editor of The Ink Post. With a sharp eye on global power dynamics and regional tensions, he writes on geopolitics, diplomacy, defense, and the silent strategies shaping the 21st century world order. When he’s not chasing global headlines, he’s decoding the stories that others overlook — with context, clarity, and conviction.

Leave a Comment